Liquid dynamite to get me into my ‘Dolomite’

There may not be anything better than liquid explosives in a can.

Now when I say “liquid explosives,” I don’t mean anything that can be used by moronic quasi-terrorists trying to blow up their own foot (and flight) that even Al-Qaeda won’t associate with. I’m talking about Rockstar, Red Bull, and Monster: 1.21 jiggawatts of energy in an aluminum container the size of a tall-boy but full of delicious raspberry-ish flavor.

Seriously, Doctor Emmett Brown would never have needed a bolt of lightning or Libyan plutonium if he had this stuff. It’s science at its best and I won’t lie: I spent the better part of my post-college days looking for a drink that could replace “big slams’ of Mountain Dew in my life, providing me with that extra bit of energy when the day starts dragging. I hate coffee for the most part, but LOVE sudden bursts of energy that turn me into the olive-skinned offspring of Dolemite: Swolemite.

If you fill my stomach with a can of no-carb, no-sugar, double-strength Rockstar, Rudy Ray Moore doesn’t have a thing on me. Willie Green and Mayor Daley would no longer be able to contain my quest to regain ownership of my club, “The Total Experience,” Queen Bee would comp my visits, detectives Mitchell and White would get nothing but a human tornado from me and Creeper would get all the hamburgers I could find without him having to ‘creep’ very long in his dirty old wife-beater. In essence, these energy drinks get me going like the Energizer Bunny.

And while I understand this is probably not the healthiest choice for natural energy, I haven’t been able to find an alternative – stead for quality physical fitness, but who’s got the time to become Steve Prefontaine these days. Let’s stick to nutrients in a can. Opening a single tall boy of Rockstar at the beginning of my day is instant joy, likened to the startling morning sound of a beautiful woman’s laugh from the left side of my own bed, or the feelings a fat man gets when he accidentally stumbles into an all-you-can-eat buffet instead of a personal trainer’s office.

If I were Popeye: Rockstar would be “me spinach.”

Modern research still hasn’t figured out the dangers and benefits of this, but – by now – it’s too late for me anyways. I very well may have this purple propellant coursing through my veins but either way, energy drinks have become my generation’s coffee. While the younger generations pump themselves full of lattes and frappuccinos teamed with energy drink chasers, I am fine with a cold beverage that can get my engine going while I clear away the morning cobwebs in my mind. If the FDA lets them sell it, why not drink it? Our government wouldn’t fail or deceive us, would it?

I’ll keep drinking these bad boys as long as I can. Perhaps this numbness I feel in my shoulder is merely a pinched nerve. You gotta love 240 mg of caffeine mixed with 2,000 mg of taurine. Gee, not sure why my forearm hurts nor can I explain the loss of feeling in my fingertips but the tingling is probably normal, and this shortness of breath? It's common during this time of year – hay fever or something. I’ve not heard one major warning from the medical community regarding energy drinks, but I would like to know who the wise guy is that’s spinning this room. Odd, I hear feint sirens in the distance, must be a fire in the neighborhood or something, and this energy drink sure isn’t doing a good job of keeping me awake. In fact, I think I’ll take a short nap right here on the spiraling floor.

Well, as I float into this unexpected yet magnificently bright light, I’m wondering if maybe I should cut down on a beverage where there is little evidence or research regarding long-term side effects. Taurine, Vitamin B, Green Tea: all couldn’t be bad for you, could they? Oh look, Saint Peter is waving at me, or is he just simply signaling for me to go back down the way I came. Well, good-bye, pearly gates, and hello, hospital room. As I wake up with all these tubes in my arm and nose along with a fresh scar on my chest, I notice I am still a little groggy.

Excuse me, Doc? Do me a favor: snag a few of your best looking nurses, go grab me a Rockstar, and meet me at The Total Experience in one halfa-hour, you bad muthu…*gasp!* Shut yo mouth!