Most of those who know me, know that I have been married. My bride was pregnant before we were unified through our vows, but we were physically unified beforehand outside of the Will of God. We rushed into a marriage of convenience, although my love for her was never in question but we were young and clueless to the world outside, save for our own selfish whims.
Our marriage came quickly as did its demise. Within months of Isabel's birth, my wife and I were on separate beds, physically and metaphorically, and the marriage failed. Worse off, through the divorce, it was learned that — after raising her for the first 4 1/2 years of her life — I wasn't the biological father of Isabel and I lost all custodial rights, not having seen Isabel since June 8th, 2005.
For years, I have blamed myself, blamed my bride and blamed those who failed to encourage and foster success through our vows before them and God. For years, I allowed this blame that became a seed growing within my soul to govern my actions. I drank too much, gave myself over to others in a manner not pleasing to God and I lived a life full of excuses and slothfulness. I figured since my heart was broken, I deserved a vacation from His will and a break from walking the "path" and my "sin box" was filled to the brim. I went through the motions to simply give my family peace by saying the right things, telling them I had found peace, as I struggled with self-worth, sin, poor life choices and a deranged sense of entitlement. Through my actions, my faith was definitely not on display to those I lived with, worked with or led as a coach...
It was all a clever lie dosed in hypocrisy.
But on this stifling night in late July, while worshipping in the cafeteria of Silverado High School with a malfunctioning A/C and a broken spirit, it finally occurred to me that I have been living what amounts to a sham, a ruse. I had deceived myself into believing that I didn't need to fully forgive those who wronged me and, in turn, failed to forgive myself for my own stake in those failures. It's easy to live life pointing fingers and going through the motions but when God grabs you by the life preserver and drags you back into His boat, it tends to take the finger out of the equation and give you an absolutely clear panoramic view of the picture He has painted with your life as opposed to the fallible tunnel vision of human selfishness.
Through an open heart, God laid it on my soul to give away my Ex, to forgive her entirely and to heartily pray for the success in her new marriage. To forgive members of her family and my own for their part in our failure through pressure and undermining behavior as she and I struggled to survive the toughest of times. Oddly enough, when praying for her marriage, my heart was suddenly born anew with a different kind of forgiveness, one I wasn't seeking but found nonetheless: forgiveness of one's self.
Through letting all the bitterness and anger melt away, I felt — for the first time since she moved out that lonely fall season — peace. Going through the motions for so long, I had forgotten what it felt to captain a ship that isn't sinking, constantly plugging holes in every corner of the boat. For once, the horizon balanced out and I could see the direction God has been leading me all along. My journey may not have been perfect, nor have I been in any way, shape or form, but the destination is still the same and my experiences as a whole can become the basis for my strength, not the excuse for my weaknesses.
1 John 1: 8, 9 states that "9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives."
By allowing my own heart to let go of the bitterness that has consumed me for so long, I have found my own peace. I stand on the tracks of life, with a train seemingly headed straight for me yet I have a underlying peace passing all understanding that it will diverge before it reaches my place. If it doesn't, I have confidence God's graced me with the strength to leap from the tracks myself. By confessing my pride, by letting go of my anger, I have found something I have searched high and low through the depths of sin trying to find, only to be turned away and called out for my poor decisions internally and externally.
Sometimes people simply need a tap on the shoulder from God to get their attention, others a slight push...for me, it takes a swift kick to the groin for me to find His will hovering over my life and a means with which to answer His call. Perfection is not the intended goal, but instead I seek a constant fellowship with Him. Through a self-purge of my own resistant bitterness, I have found myself taking the first steps towards walking in peace for the first time in nearly a decade...
My journey is not yet complete, and I will surely stumble along the way. Friends who knew me yesterday won't recognize the me of tomorrow, and I deserve every bit of judgement they send my way. I failed as a Christian, as an example, and it is my cross to bear. My prayer is that my own actions of yesterday won't pollute the message of today, distorting what I feel is God's gentle hands upon a life so waterlogged in sin.
It reminds me of a quote I once read: "Seeking to forget makes exile all the longer; the secret of redemption lies in remembrance." I too remember, but no longer use the burden of failure as a crutch or excuse for a lack of internal evolution in this journey that — for me — is only the beginning...
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