Things I don't like...

We live in a world that doesn't always bend to our own personal whims. Like it or not, people, art, film, music, etc, won't always be to your liking so it's important to list them once in a while so you can feel better about yourself, and so those who still think phrases like "for reals" can get the memo about the TPS reports.

I've compiled a list of a few basic dislikes on the Facebook status of life...

1. BUTCH'S FRENCH GIRLFRIEND IN 'PULP FICTION': Not sure why. Maybe it's just her annoying voice or cavalier use of the word "mongoloid," but I really find her to be annoying on multiple levels. She tries to kiss Butch with nasty toothpaste in her mouth before spitting, she starts crying after Butch went through hell and back to get a watch hidden up Christopher Walken's butt for years, and she likes "pot bellies." To Hades with your strawberry pancakes, dollface!

The idea of staying with Zed and his gimp is almost appealing when compared to the conversations I'm sure punchy old Butch had to endure with his girlfriend. Butch was really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and I haven't once found her to be attractive nor intriguing. It actually makes me want to turn the movie off, but there are too many good parts to allow this french nuisance to ruin my experience. Instead, I flip over to my iPhone and start playing with "Talking Tom," the coolest iPhone app ever (basically, a digital cat that repeats everything to say to it back to you in a high-pitched voice).

2. HAIR PASTE/GLUE: I mean seriously. Gel is one thing, but when you call something you put in your hair a specific epoxy, you've got issues. Paste? It's what I ate in kindergarden (ok, I still eat it from time to time). Glue? It's for model airplanes and for fixing chairs you accidentally break but want to find a way to blame someone else for breaking weeks down the road.

If your hair is that ridiculous that you need paste to hold it down, maybe it's time you embrace the inner "Screech" and simply let your delicious locks flow in the wind. Seriously, I think this glue/paste is seeping into their brains because these are the target audience for vocabulary expansion using the phrases "for reals" and "bomb-dot-com." It also gives us a free license to punch them in their jeans, which — if you see point four — requires more than just the run-of-the-mill flaccid peter slap.

3. THE BURGER KING: You wake up, he's "creeped" into your bed and under the sheets with a breakfast sandwich...need I say more? Ok, well how about the fact that most rational people would call the cops and punch the living hell out of him while calling 9-1-1. Better yet, I'm sure Richard Ramirez (aka The Night Stalker) started out innocently enough, offering breakfast sandwiches to people before it morphed into his night-stalking killing spree. It's a slippery slope once you casually start accepting the presence of a man in a rubber mask with human hands wearing a royal cape, and once he's there, he'll keep coming back. It's like feeding a stray cat, and — when he decides he wants to come over and scare the corn out of you every morning — you can't ever put the poop back in the horse...

4. PLUM SMUGGLERS: They come in all nationalities. It's like the United Nations of bad taste. Blue jeans that constrict the man-piece so tightly that everyone in the room NOT wearing the same style feels awkward, uncomfortable and slightly sickened by the sight. Worse, the sound of BabyGap jeans stretching as they try and pretend to sit comfortably in their seats at the movies, or their booth at a restaurant, is reminiscent of Henry Rowengardner's shoulder tendons after the cast comes off. STRRRRRETCH! Of course their sperm count will drop lower than Tommy Chong's and sure they're walking Male Moose Knuckle art, but do we have to suffer for their own personal poor life choice? I'd rather them wear a loin cloth or a kilt...in fact, I may start wearing a loin cloth out of protest! If they tell me it's in bad taste, I'll simply gesture towards their off-kiltered Andy Warhol walnut art display in protest.

5. UNCERTAINTY: Can't things just happen as they should? If not, could we get a heads up? Yes, I want to open my Christmas presents early, or at least know what I'm getting. At least I can look forward to getting it. Everything in life seems to be more of a guessing game, or a lucky spin to reach the Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right. I'd rather like be like the Grand Prize Game on The Bozo Show: We all know that if you get to the final bucket, there's a crisp and new $100 waiting for you, which — for a kid — is like $50,000 for an adult. I don't like knowing if there's a pot of gold or a creepy midget in a green suit waiting for me at the end of the rainbow.

7. PEOPLE WHO TRY TOO HARD TO BE DIFFERENT: It really does those of us who are just weird by nature a disservice when we are lumped in with the people who act a fool out of conscious choice. Some of us can't help being weird and have struggle our whole lives with the idea of normalcy. Instead, we get mistaken for one of these people and their schtick, condemning us to the same stable as them when — in reality — they should be sent to the glue farm so we can enjoy our oddity in peace. Weirdo's aren't made...they're born that way!

8. THE PERSON WHO CHOOSES THE WORDS FOR THE MADE-FOR-TV SWEAR WORD DUBS: Ever since I watched Ferris Bueller on WGN and heard Cameron say, "Pardon my french, you're an AIRHEAD," I've wanted to slap the stupid out of whoever used that choice of words. I'd rather they bleep it out or mute it than give up these pathetic attempts to keep the dialogue "fresh." We're not morons, we know what they were going to say so why not leave it up to the imagination?

9. REALITY TV: This is the death knell for intelligence in the world today. The Hills? The Bachelor? Dawg the Bounty Hunter? I mean, do our lives suck so much that we need to live vicariously through a few dumb bimbos, a dude with a mullet, one night on Steven Seagal's police beat, a bunch of aspiring models under the tutelage of a maniacal set of former models off their meds, or even two morons fighting over a measly $300 on the People's Court that could easily be handled with a hammer and a kneecap? Actually, all the "actors" on the aforementioned shows could be handled with a hammer and a jar of leeches. That's reality I could get into. Worse, we have to actually make our modern comedies LOOK like reality TV nowadays just to get people to watch them and laugh.

Our world is dumb, and the disease is spreading faster than a the Swine Flu...er...the H1N1 Virus (we don't want to offend pigs with such derogatory terms).

And last but not least...my final pet peeve is...

10. PEOPLE WHO CAN'T PROPERLY COUNT ALL THE WAY UP TO 10: Yeah, that means you. He he. :)